These two things don’t really seem related. However, in the muddled recesses of my mind they are very much connected! Distorted body image and disordered eating have had me avoiding both! 

Previously in my life, my morning was full of bombs. I’d wake up, pee, turn the shower on and weigh myself. If my weight was the same or up even slightly, (I’m talking .1 pound) I was already a little disgruntled. I’d have a battle in my head about whether or not .1 pound increase was significant. I’d try to figure out what I did “wrong” the day before. “I worked out for almost 2 hours! But…I did slow down on the treadmill toward the end there…” or “I actually ate LESS than my allotted 1200 calories yesterday!?!?!? Why is my weight up!?!?” 

This inner monologue would continue all through my shower. I’d criticize every inch of my skin as I soaped up and rinsed off. And then…I’d shut off the water and grab my towel. I’d wrap it around myself and analyze The Gap. 

Any person who has battled with their weight knows The Gap I’m referring to. The gap of skin showing behind the towel where the ends DON’T meet. If I felt that the gap had gotten any larger, I would be in a foul mood all day. Regardless of the weight change (or not) on the scale. If the towel fully closed, I’d suddenly be buoyant and be in the best mood I could be. I’d post a Non-Scale Victory (NSV) on a weight loss group and feel like I had somehow conquered the world. 

But today…I decided FUCK IT! FUCK ALL THAT SHIT! I am no longer measuring my self worth on whether or not a scrap of fabric wraps around my body! Read that again. I let a piece of cotton determine my self worth! So I went out and I bought myself a bath sheet! I let that soft oversized bath sheet enclose me like a hug and now I don’t care at all about how much excess fabric there is when it’s fully on. 

But what about culinary school? How does a school program relate? Years back before I ever had an issue with food restriction or dieting I would cook with my grandfather. We’d try new recipes, he’d pass on his favorites, show me techniques and we’d spend hours together. Cooking comes so naturally to me that I find myself contentedly humming a tune while kneading bread, or doing a little dance while whisking a sauce. 

I even went to culinary school once upon a time. Unfortunately I didn’t finish the program. I was so consumed with righteous indignation that I was “smart enough” to go to medical school and was so angry that others seemed relieved when I talked about going to culinary school instead of med school (another story for another post) that I dropped out of culinary school and accelerated my Associates degree so I could take advantage of a direct transfer agreement that community colleges had with universities in Washington State before they discontinued the program.

Over the years I’ve considered going back, but I would always stop short and think, “Do you honestly think you can be fit and healthy and be around food all day? You have NO self control, you’re addicted to food and you will die an early death!” So I denied myself my passion. 

Even at home I tried to perfect vegan artisan cheeses, non fat cheesecake and low calorie tacos. I’d skip the butter in my scrambled eggs and use spray oil. I’d buy non-fat sour cream, zero calorie salad dressings and try to pass off aquafaba as eggs. I was so miserable. If I made a delicious dish for my family I could barely taste the food for adjustments without worrying if the tiny taste would go straight to my stomach.

But now…now that I have started saying FUCK THAT, things are changing. Fuck you spray oil and bean water! I will make a pistachio no bake cheesecake if I want to! I will HAVE MY CHEESECAKE AND EAT IT TOO! I have taken a HUGE step and put my application in for my local culinary program! For some, a preoccupation with food and a career in the food industry can be a result of disordered eating and restriction. But for me…returning to my passion is a sign of my turning away from the fear of that number on the scale and the dreaded towel gap. I will indulge myself with soft luxurious bath sheets and a new chef’s coat uniform!