I was 14 when I did my first organized diet with my mom.  This followed a trip to California to visit my family and being asked why I got so fat.  Having distant relatives slap grapes out of my hand saying, “You don’t need to eat anymore…”  My mom was doing “low carb”.  Back then I didn’t read any rules or literature…but the guideline I followed was, “if you get it wet and it gets “mushy” don’t eat it” (like bread, cookies, crackers, etc).  I remember thinking I felt lighter and less sluggish.  I remember people complimenting me on how much weight I had lost and feeling amazing under their praise.  And I also remember the day that a friend at church offered me a chocolate chip cookie.  I reluctantly took it and said something like, “I’ve been so good, one cookie won’t hurt…”.  What followed was a “I already had a cookie, might as well have…” 

After that I tried various diets and exercise programs in a vicious cycle for 22 years.  In this time, I got married, had babies, moved all over the country and lived as full of a life I could being trapped in diet culture.  

At one point I was training for a 1/2 marathon. I’d run 9 miles in a day and aim to eat 1200 calories. I was seeing a diet coach at the time and even though she suggested adding calories in, I was so worried about gaining weight back or being unhealthy that I didn’t add as many back as she recommended.

Each diet, each workout program, each new lifestyle change would end the same. I’d see a little bit of progress and then I’d reward myself with a doughnut or a beer. Then I’d binge. I figured my will power was just way less than others. I figured I was weak. I figured I was lazy. So the next week I’d double down. Do an extra workout, cut out dairy for the week, cut out sugar, etc. Then it would start all over again.

This past April I was fed up with not being able to lose weight.  I was in the throes of Noom and had an “epiphany”.  OBVIOUSLY I am AFRAID to lose weight.  If I wasn’t afraid…then it would have happened by now.  The answer to my problem was therapy. I needed to “fix” my “mental block”.  Once I fixed my head…my body would follow.

So I made an appointment with a therapist and went in for my first visit.  I explained how afraid I was of losing weight and how I “knew what to do” and that I kept “self sabotaging”.  

At the end of my session she calmly replied.  “Over the next week I’d like you to think about WHY you want to lose weight.  We will discuss next week.”

I was infuriated.  WhY?!?!?!  What do you MEAN why?  Just look at me!  And well of course…doesn’t EVERYONE want to lose weight?  I mean…hello???

At my next session I very nervously sat down and said, “Uh…I couldn’t come up with a real answer to your question…”  I was completely shocked when she responded, “That is exactly what I was hoping you’d come back with.”  Over the next few months some of the questions she asked were earth shattering.  “If you never lost another ounce…could you be happy?”  That one particularly unsettled me.  Every time I thought about it, I’d feel sick.  I started slow. I like my boobs. I guess I could live with my boobs. Or my ankles and calves are good. Runners calves. I could live with those. My arms aren’t perfect…but yeah…I could live with them. It finally got to the point where I would think, “Maybe if I could just get a tummy tuck I’d be ok in a bigger body.

Eventually I thought, “Ok, ok…if I’m going to be a ‘plus size woman’ *MAYBE* I could be happy if I knew how to DRESS for a plus size woman.”  So I pulled out my trusty laptop and started Googling!  My Google search led me to a few books on dressing curves on Amazon.  Then I see in the “others who bought this book also bought…” The Fuck It Diet.  

First off, how does that NOT catch your eye.  Clicking on that brought up the book Beyond Beautiful as well.  In a rush, before I could change my mind, I bought them both.  I literally devoured both books in just a few days.  As soon as I was finished, I ordered Health at Every Size.  When I finished that one, I ordered Body Respect.  I started listening to all of Caroline Dooner’s (author of The Fuck it Diet) podcasts in order from episode 1.

I still needed a little convincing though…I mean I read Eat to Live and all of the studies he quotes say Plant Based (no oil, sugar or salt please!) is the secret to health and I agreed with all he said…So I started looking up symptoms of malnutrition.  I was ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED at how many signs of malnutrition I had!  

I gave away my FitBit, put my food scale away (I still keep it so I can measure out ingredients for fresh baked bread. ANOTHER thing I stopped doing because I couldn’t be trusted around bread), I put my body scale away, I started clearing out my closet. None of the “maybe I’ll fit into them one day” outfits made the cut. I started shopping at different stores and bought clothes cut for my shape and size.

I found a culinary school and started the enrollment process. I had started culinary school at 18 but never finished. I had thought about starting school again but then my brain started screaming. “Do you know how fat you will become? You can’t be trusted around food like that!” But now…now I am excited to start something that is for me again. Something I enjoy. Something that brings back warm feelings of home and family.

I unfollowed all of my “clean eating”, “goddess warrior workouts” and “healthy living” accounts on social media.  I went down the resource guide Caroline sent out and followed every single one recommended.  I now follow #healthateverysize and #plussizefashion instead of #ripped.  

I allowed myself to buy Sam’s Club sized M&Ms and Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn.  (something I only ever allowed myself to eat on road trips before).  I literally ate my weight in popcorn and candy.  

Already my body is healing.  I am no longer losing hair by the handful.  A nail infection I’ve had for almost 2 1/2 years is FINALLY healing (I took a lot of meds for it too…with no effect), my chronic fatigue is fading, my teeth are healing, my skin is less dry and thin.  

Like many others who have given up diets I was afraid of exploding. I was afraid that my appetite would never subside and I would end up on tv as a person who needed to be lifted out of her home with a crane. But my appetite did subside. I have a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper on my counter from Sunday. We had pizza and bought some sodas. Before all of this, I would have either downed all the soda until it was gone or I would have poured it down the sink because I couldn’t be trusted near it. But now that I have given myself permission to say “Fuck it!” and have anything I want…It’s not the draw it once was. Some days I crave broccoli and some days I really need an English Muffin with peanut butter (something that was “off limits” in my mind before).

My ultimate goal is to be happy in my body.  It’s a process. Somedays I cry in my closet because I look fat in everything. But the good days are starting to outweigh the bad ones and one day the bad days will be few and far between. But more importantly, for the first time in 22 years, I’m not hungry.