“Why do you want to lose weight?” This seemingly innocent question floored me. In one of my many diets I came up with an entire list of reasons that I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted to eat a doughnut. Self confidence, more energy, less mood swings and better sex life were all on that list. I once had alarms set on my phone to read this list 3 times a day. As I sat across from my beautifully thin therapist I simply blink as I try to comprehend the question. What do you mean…why do I want to lose weight? Doesn’t everyone want to lose weight? I’m unhealthy and ugly and fat and slow and lazy and too short and have too much body hair….I need to lose weight. Before I can form a response she perkily says, “think about that question this week and we’ll talk next time”. I drive home in a daze. I started seeing this therapist because I have been trying to lose weight for 22 years.

I have tried every. single. diet. I. could. find. I’ve tried Low Carb (my first diet), Short Fasts (these were actually for religious purposes but when I realized I lost weight doing it…), Vegan, Master Cleanse (lemon juice, cayenne and syrup), Juice Cleanses, Nutritarian, Whole 30, Beck Diet, Fix it Diet, Noom, Visualization, Sex Magic, a registered nutritionist, a diet coach, Weight Watchers, good old fashioned calorie counting, herbal extracts, over the counter diet pills, drinks and powders, I even had a doctor prescribe me a weight loss pill. I’m sure there are some that I didn’t list here, but it’s been 22 years, and to be honest, my memory is not great. I had upped my exercise to 2 hours a day. At one point a nutritionist had me on a 1200 calorie diet and told me to not “eat back your exercise”. At that point I was burning almost 3500 calories a day. For those those of us not good at math, that’s a 2300 calorie deficit.

If I could JUST lose “enough” weight my life would be perfect. I would no longer have morning breath, I wouldn’t have excess body or facial hair. I’d never have a single ache or pain. I’d have all the energy I needed to cook, clean, bake, and expertly decorate my house.

So I had decided. Since I knew how to lose weight (obviously since I had read so many books, bought many diet programs, exercise programs, had a gym membership, etc) It was obviously a mental barrier. I obviously don’t WANT to lose weight somewhere deep in my self conscious. I was SCARED to lose weight. So…I will see a therapist! She will help me uncover this deep seated root of why I can’t lose weight. She will say some magical thing that will unravel the huge tangled mess in my mind and it will click. The clouds will part, cherubs will fly by with harps and the weight will quite literally start melting off!

It only took 2 sessions to get to this question. Why do you want to lose weight? Well shit. I dunno. Doesn’t everyone want to lose weight?